40 Days
by xana4
Summary: "Hetty's words still echo in her mind, almost twenty minutes after her call. Mr. Deeks was tortured and shot. Meet me at the hospital as soon as you can."
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

Kensi bursts trough the hospital doors and walks to Hetty, who is sitting on a chair in the waiting room. She's not sure how she managed to drive here. It's the middle of the night and her hands are shaking. She doesn't know how she managed to make herself presentable before she left the house nor does she know how she managed to get there in one piece. Hetty's words still echo in her mind, almost twenty minutes after her call. _Mr. Deeks has been tortured and shot. Meet me at the hospital as soon as you can. _

Kensi sits next to Hetty and the older woman turns her gaze towards her. Kensi sees a single tear on her cheek and she barely manages to get the words out. "How is he?"

Hetty sighs and Kensi notices the papers in her hands. "He's in surgery but the doctor told me we should get ready for the worst. I'm sorry, Miss Blye."

The news hit her like a ton of bricks and she is not sure of what to do. She's not sure if she should have some hope or simply accept she might never see that stupid grin on her partner's face ever again. He's still alive so that has to mean something. But the doctors know what they're talking about, right?

Torn between both choices, Kensi barely registers Hetty's voice. But, after a few seconds, she turns back to the older woman who hands her the papers. "He made me promise I would give you these, right before the ambulance brought him here. I think you should read them."

Kensi nods and accepts the papers. She starts reading, noticing his messy handwriting right away and smiling slightly at the sight. Hetty gives her some space and the agent can't help the tears that start running down her face as she starts reading.

_**Day 1  
**__Kensi, chances are you will never read these letters but I have to write them. They will help me stay sane. I don't know that much about what I'm expected to do here but there is something that is leaving me restless with this one. I hope it doesn't come to this but, if something happens to me, I want you to know everything. Hetty knows I'm writing these and I promise you I will write one every single day. If, for some reason, something happens, she knows where I hide them and she promised me she will give them to you. So, this is the first day of the first undercover assignment I do ever since I realized I loved you. It probably doesn't come as much of a shock to you (you've always managed to read me like an open-book) but I do love you. I love you with all my heart and I never told you because you're my partner. I can't tell you something like that, something that can change everything. I guess I should start working now. I hope I will get to write something more because I don't want to leave you with just this one letter.  
Love,  
Marty Deeks_

She loves him too, more than what he knows. She thought it was obvious to him, the person who always read her like an open book. But it seems like he had no idea of how she felt and she should have told him before. Now, she might never get the chance to do that and regret washes over her. Still, she moves onto the next letter.

_**Day 2  
**__The first contact with the drug's dealers was made yesterday, after I wrote that first letter. They look like bad guys but that was more than expected. LAPD wants me to be Luke, a guy who just got out of prison and is out looking for a new ticket inside, it seems. I'm tired. It was a long day and I feel like I'm ready to go home. It's the first time I feel like this. Undercover has always been my thing, something I've always loved. But it doesn't feel right this time. Maybe that's because everything's different, Kensi. This time, I feel like I have something good waiting for me at home. Don't let Monty know this because he will feel unloved but the prospect of seeing you soon is much better than the idea of seeing him. I know I probably look very cheesy at the moment but I'm pouring my heart out in this paper. I still hope you'll never have to read these letters but I want to play this one on the safe-side.  
Love,  
Marty Deeks_

She finds herself liking cheesy-Deeks, as much as it pains her to admit it. Suddenly, a thought hit her. He was undercover for 40 days. Does that mean he wrote her forty letters? Judging by the amount of paper in her hands, she's willing to bet he did. And she can't wait to read every single one of them while she waits for some more news.

_**Day 3  
**__I woke up this morning with a smile on my face. I dreamt with you. I wish it had been a different dream (one of those in which I get to see you naked) but this one was still good. I saw you kicking someone's ass and, you'll never hear me admit this out loud, it's incredibly hot. I don't think you know how much that makes me smile. You're beautiful, there's no denying it, but there's something different about you when you are kicking someone's ass. It makes me see that you're more than just a pretty face. You can take care of yourself, something I admire. That's just one more thing that makes me love you, I think. Bu don't get me started on that because it's late and if I start writing all the things I love about you, I won't get much sleep.  
I love you, with all my heart, princess Blye._

_**Day 4  
**__I met someone new, today. His name is Jack and it made me think about you and the whole thing with your ex. I don't know much about this guy but something about him seems off. Anyway, I want you to know that, if we ever have the change to be together, I will never willingly walk out on you. I know I can't promise you I won't leave because I can die on the job, just like you. We knew that when we first started doing this. It's one of those consequences that come with doing what's right. But I can promise you that I will fight as hard as I can to stay alive, to stay with you. I will never do what that guy did to you. I will never walk away from you, princess. You mean the world to me, even if you don't know it at the moment.  
Don't ever forget how much I love you._

**This is my brand-new story. Let me know if you like it and if you want me to continue with this idea. I thought about actually writing the 40 letters and that's what I will do if you want more of this story. I'm still not sure of what will happen to Deeks but I don't want to kill him off so don't worry. I'm not that mean.**

**Liked it? Hated it? Loved it? Let me know…  
Love,  
Sarah**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Kensi hears both Callen and Sam coming in and asking Hetty about what's going on and what happened to Deeks but she can't bring herself to look at them. She just keeps her eyes trained on the papers in front of her and carries on with her reading, even when Hetty informs the other two agents that they have enough material to arrest the ones who did this to Deeks and that they should go and take care of that.

Kensi moves to day 5 and starts reading the words her partner wrote for her, not wanting to think about anything else at the moment.

**Day 5  
**_I think they trust me. You know as well as I do that one can never say without any doubt that a bad guy trusts us. But this one seems to rely on me. I've only been here for five days but my cover is good enough to fool him in such a short period of time. That's a good thing and I will thank Eric and Nell for that later. I will have a meeting with one of you in five days, to give you some new information about the case and for you guys to make sure I'm still in one piece. I find myself hoping that they send you for that. I need to see you and I know how crazy that sounds. I mean, it's not even been a week yet and I already miss you. _

Upon reading those words, she can't help the tear that runs down her cheek. She remembers being as excited as he was for that meeting. The truth was that she desperately wanted to see him there, even though he'd only been undercover for 5 days at that point. The prospect of seeing him on the scheduled meetings was the only thing that offered her comfort at that time. She moves to the next day, right when she feels Sam sitting on the chair to her right.

**Day 6  
**_I brought your watch. I figured that this was a good day for a confession, of sorts. There's a part of me that knows I should have told you before I brought it but it would seem silly to have that conversation with you. It's not like you would react well to me telling you I needed to have something that belonged to you with me. I'm telling you now, sort of. I brought your watch because I'm painfully aware of the fact I might be here, without you, for a while. I need a piece of you to keep me company, to keep me sane. The things these guys are doing…Kensi, I know I will nightmares for weeks to come. I saw them torture a guy yesterday. A part of me knows he had it coming and that I shouldn't feel sympathy for a guy who sells drugs for a living. But the way he screamed while they were pulling his fingernails made me sick. I didn't sleep last night but that's nothing I wasn't prepared for. You warned me before I came. You told me that it wasn't easy to see something like that. I believed you, like I always do, but I never knew it could be this bad. I hope your sweet perfume can lull me to sleep tonight, the one that still lingers on your watch._

His confession makes her smile because the truth is that she also stole one of his shirts, also knowing that she could be a while without seeing him. That's the shirt she's been wearing to sleep, lately. And a part of her already knew about the watch. Her house might be a mess but she knew she wouldn't simply lose her watch. Callen sits on the chair to her left but no one says a word so she keeps reading, not even stopping to acknowledge them.

**Day 7  
**_I managed to sleep last night, barely. Awful nightmares woke me up, nightmares in which you were the one who was being tortured in front of me while I stood there, helplessly. You would probably smack me across the head if I told you this because, no matter how much we joke around, you know I always have your back. And the truth is that I wouldn't stay there without doing anything if it were you on that chair. I would give my own life to save yours and I don't think you know that. You probably do because that's what partners do. I know you would take a bullet for me too. But the need I have to protect you goes way beyond that. I feel like I can only live if you're in this world, safe and sound. God, I just realized how cheesy I'm becoming in these letters. I need to lighten things up a bit because, if it ever comes to that, I don't want you to think of me as the guy who was cheesy. I want you to remind me as the guy who could always make you smile (and don't deny it because you know it's the truth). You often tried to disguise it but I know you're a sucker for my lame jokes. Enough of this for today. I have a few errands to run for the boss. _

His lame jokes were exactly what made her realize he was special. He could always make her smile, even in the middle of one of those long and crappy days. He would crack a joke and she would smile, often disguising it. But her partner was never fooled by that act and that was the prove of that.

**Day 8  
**_I remembered something today. I once read a quote that always stayed engraved in my brain, for some reason. It's not the only one. I seem to have a pretty good memory when it comes to completely useless and random stuff. Maybe I will start incorporating those things in these letters, to keep the mood light. I was getting way too cheesy, Fern. See? I'm doing it already (or at least trying). Let's cut the rambling short. My original idea was to write this quote and tell you why I never forgot it. It went like this, if I'm not mistaken: _"_You will lose someone you can't live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up. And you come through. It's like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp."_. _This quote made me think about a lot of things. For example, what would you do if you lost me? It's something I don't want to think about too much but…Would you face it as the death of just another partner or do I mean something more to you? It scares me a bit to think I mean as much to you as you mean to me. We both know I can die here, that's not something new. But, I want you to know something. I want you to move on from whatever happens, no matter what I mean to you. I will be forever happy knowing I have a special place in your heart, even if I die. And that I know I have. No matter how much we both try to deny it sometimes, I know I have a place in your heart just like you have a place in mine, a very special place. And this was my ridiculous attempt to stop being cheesy. Can you tell how well that worked out? I need to start writing you some funnier quotes, that's for sure. Maybe tomorrow…_

She finds herself liking this cheesy side of him and wondering about the same things he wrote on the letter. If he died, she knows she wouldn't face it as the death of a partner. Marty Deeks means a lot more to her than that. She should have told him. She should have showed him. And now, while he fights for his life, she finds herself regretting never saying a word because he might not know how much he means to her.

**I'm sorry it took this long to update but I had a lot going on. Tomorrow is my 18****th**** birthday so I had some things to take care of for the big day. And, starting this Tuesday, I will be officially off for the summer so I will try to update more regularly. For now, I hope you review this chapter and I want to thank you all for the amazing feedback I got for the first chapter.**

**Love,  
Sarah**


	3. Chapter 3

Kensi keeps reading, dreading the next few letters. She realized, over the past few minutes, how excited he had been to see her on that meeting. She has been just as excited. Needy, even. The truth is that she had needed to see him. Regardless of that, she knows she can't stop reading at this point. She's too far gone and the letters are a great distraction. It helps to keep her mind off of her partner's situation.

**Day 9  
**_The meeting is tomorrow and I can only hope that Hetty sends you. I need to see you, even if just for a few minutes. But I will try to be less cheesy today. Yesterday's letter was too much. I'm not trying to make you cry when you read these letters (if you ever get to read them). I can't stand the thought of making you cry, princess. So, today, I have another quote you might like. "Forget love – I'd rather fall in chocolate." Somehow, this seems to be the best quote for someone with a sweet-tooth like yours. That's kind of your philosophy, isn't it? You built walls around yourself to keep everyone at arm's length, thinking that will be enough to keep all the hurt and sadness away. That might work but always remember that you have to let someone in, once in a while. Candies can't be the only thing to get close enough to hurt you, you know? Did that make sense? I don't think it did but it's two in the morning and I'm tired. It's hard to make sense while you're tired. However, I had to write you the daily letter. It's almost day 10 but, as far counting goes, it's still day 9 for me. I'm going to try to get some sleep. I don't want to look too tired when I have that meeting with one of you tomorrow. _

Kensi takes a deep breath, wipes away a tear that managed to roll down her cheek, and continues.

**Day 10**_**  
**__My meeting was with Callen but I think you already know that. It was short and only enough for me to give him the updates on the case. He told me everything is okay back home but I'm not sure if I fully trust him. I know you well enough to know you would fight Hetty's orders if you really wanted to see me. I know you well enough to know you would argue with anyone that stood in your way, if you really wanted to talk to me. You're Kensi Marie Blye. The only person who has the power to stop you is yourself. Everyone else just ends up accepting doing things your way. So why didn't you come? Don't you want to see me? Maybe I was wrong when I allowed myself to think, even if just for a few brief seconds, that you loved me as much as I love you. I guess there's nothing left to say today._

The pain she feels upon reading those words can only be compared to the one he must have felt when he walked in and saw, all those days ago, that his meeting was with Callen and not with her.

**Day 11  
**_Every single day ever since I started writing these letters, I've been telling you countless times how I feel about you. Yesterday, though, I realized you might not feel the same way about me. That hurts, more than what I thought it would. If I'm honest with myself, I knew this could happen. I just never really allowed myself to believe you wouldn't love me. It sucks and that's all I can say. There's no cheesy-Deeks today. I guess one can't really write cheesy stuff to someone when it hurts so damn much to think about said someone. It's not that I'm angry at you. I think I'm just feeling too depressed. That combined with the kind of things I've been seeing lately is just too much for me to handle at the moment. Don't worry, I'll get over it. _

Kensi wants to go back in time and change everything. She wants to be able to tell him how she feels about him. She wants to tell him that he means the world to her and that she had a very good reason to skip that meeting. She wants him to know she wanted to see him too. God, he needs to be alright.

Just as she starts reading the next letter, Hetty hands her a coffee and demands that she takes a break from all the reading. She does as she's told, too tired to argue with her boss. And, before she knows it, tiredness gets the better of her and she ends up falling asleep in a matter of minutes, the letters in her hands.

Kensi wakes up when the doctor walks in and tells them what's going on. "Mr. Deeks is out of surgery. Fortunately, it seems that his situation wasn't nearly as bad as it seemed at first. We were able to repair the internal damage but we'll only know more when he wakes up. The next few hours will be crucial but we are sure he will make a full recovery."

Kensi speaks, her voice shaking and no louder than a whisper. "Can I stay with him?"

The doctor starts shaking his head but Hetty sends him one of her deadly looks and the man is already familiar with the tiny lady. He guides Kensi to her partner's room and motions for her to sit on the chair. She pulls it closer to the bed, not daring to look at Deeks yet (too scared with what she might see), and restarts her reading, knowing that the doctor already left.

**Day 15  
**_I know it's been four days since I've last written anything to you but that's how long it took me to wrap my brain around the idea that I'm writing these letters, pouring out all my love for you, when you don't feel the same way about me. It still hurts but I've decided to keep writing. You may not love me but I love you and I refuse to think about leaving you without you being sure of that. I had another meeting with Callen today and it made me think about why you're not the one who comes to receive my updates. I asked Callen about that but the only thing he said was that you were following Hetty's orders. Sure, that's a good reason but I'm not buying it. If you really wanted to see me, Hetty wouldn't be able to stop you. Anyway, I will keep writing, even though I probably won't do it as frequently as before. I'm sure you'll understand that, if you ever get to read these letters._

Kensi lets out another tear and gathers enough courage to look at the man she loves and whose heart she broke all those days ago. He has a black eye, a busted lip and a small cut on his neck. He has a big bandage on his chest but, other than that, he looks peaceful and okay. She grabs his hand and allows herself to rest, even if for a short period of time.

**I'm sorry this took so freaking long and I have no way to justify this. I've been simply lazy for the past two weeks, it seems. But, here it is. I'm also sorry I didn't send you the usual PM with the preview but I'm currently out of the house (and out of the country) and the access to the internet is rather scarce. I will come back home in less than a week and I promise the updates will start being more regular after that.**

**Also, after the next chapter, I will start focusing more on the present instead of the letters. **

**Again, I'm sorry for all this and I hope no one gets angry.**

**Love,  
Sarah**


	4. Chapter 4

Kensi wakes up and the first thing that registers in her foggy mind is that she's not in her bedroom. She remembers that she's in the hospital after two short seconds and why she's there. The second thing she notices is that she's not on the same spot where she fell asleep the night before. She's not sitting on the uncomfortable chair situated next to her partner's bed. She's laying on a couch, not that far from the bed. She sits up quickly and looks at the bed. Callen is sitting on the chair previously occupied by her, awake.

As soon as he sees her, he whispers. "You were too uncomfortable here. I moved you to the couch when I got here four hours ago."

Kensi frowns and gets up. "Why are you whispering?"

Callen smiles at her. "Deeks woke up about two hours ago. I told him what was going on and he fell asleep after a few minutes. He's just sleeping, now, and the doctor wants him to rest as much as possible."

Kensi can't help the relief that takes over her and sits on the second chair, next to Callen. "Did you and Sam catch the guys who did this?"

"We did. With all the information Deeks managed to gather in the past 40 days, we managed to bring down those guys."

Kensi takes a deep breath and looks at her partner's peaceful form. "One of the guys you arrested did this to Deeks. He needs to pay for it."

Callen nods. "We know that but until Deeks tells us who did it, we can't do a thing."

Callen sighs. "This whole thing makes me want to ask you how you're doing. And don't say you're fine because we both know that's bullshit."

And, for the very first time, she allowed herself to open up to someone. Callen is, after all, one of her closest and dearest friends. "He was hurt because I didn't show up in those meetings. He thinks I don't love him because, if I did, I would have gone there."

Callen smiles and gets up. "Explain him what happened when he wakes up. I'm sure he'll understand. Now, I have to go home and take a shower. I'll be back this afternoon but call me if you need anything."

Kensi nods and waits until he leaves the room. Then, she decides she can read the remaining letters.

**Day 20  
**_I saw you today and it was the best thing that happened to me during the past 20 days. I'm sure you didn't see me but I saw you and that's enough for me to hold on, for now. You were with Callen, on that bakery you love so much. I was walking down the street when I saw you there. A part of me was a bit jealous because I'm the one who should share donuts with you. But Callen made me a promise before I left and it was good to see he's been keeping it. He promised me he would look after you while I'm gone and I trust him with that task. I know he won't let anything bad happen to you._

Kensi allows herself to smile at that. Callen didn't last a week without breaking and telling her about that promise he made Deeks. And that's not very surprising. Callen is a damn good undercover agent but when it comes to keeping secrets from her, he's awful. That's why, after only five days, she asked him why he was following her with his eyes. Kensi looks at Deeks, just to make sure he's still sleeping, and moves onto the next letter, noticing the 10 day difference and feeling a pang in her chest because of it.

**Day 30  
**_He's the same Jack. I could barely believe what I was hearing when he told me the story of how he ended up working with these guys. He spoke about you, the woman he left because it didn't feel right to be with her anymore. He actually talked about how he left you that morning and I had to keep myself from punching him. I wanted to break his nose because that was the least I could do to show him how much he hurt you back then. I wanted to make him pay for what he did to you. However, I have the feeling he's a key-part in this whole thing and I might need him. I can't give him a reason not to trust me._

Her hand is shaking slightly because she has a bad feeling about this. Jack is bad news and she starts fearing for her partner's safety, even though the part of her brain that is not absorbed into the letters knows that he's right next to her now, safe. She takes a deep breath and keeps reading. 

**Day 35  
**_Jack has been giving me funny looks a lot, lately. I don't know why but he seems to know something about me that he shouldn't. I don't think my cover is compromised so I won't be walking out of this. But the way he looks at me is rather unsettling. I dreamt about you today, once again. I hated this dream, though. I dreamt that I was dead. It was my funeral and you were there, crying in another man's arms. I was jealous of a man I've never even seen before. It made me think about that scenario and I hated it. If you're reading these letters, I'm probably dead. That's why I want to ask you something, please, don't take another man to my funeral because that would break my heart (I know it doesn't make sense because you can't break a dead man's heart but humor me, Fern). _

A tear runs down her cheek before she has the chance to stop it. She loves him. How could he even think she would ever be with another man? Oh, that's right. He has no idea of how much she loves him. And that makes Kensi want to go back in time and tell him everything, just to keep him from hurting during that stupid undercover assignment.

**Day 38  
**_I was tortured, today. Jack tied me to a chair and started making small cuts on my leg. I don't think they're deep enough to leave scars but they sure as hell hurt. He asked me questions about who I am and what I do. I didn't give him anything so he put plastic over my face and poured water on it. It's one of the worst things I've ever felt. It feels like you're drowning when you're not. It's awful. Regardless of that, I didn't tell him anything so I think he's a lot more at ease with me at the moment. This guy is a total psycho, Kensi. _

That's all she can take for now. She sees that there's another letter but she can't bring herself to read it. Kensi can barely stand the thought of anyone torturing him. That's why she puts the letters aside and grabs his hand, needing to feel him. The need to make sure he's okay is more than what she can take. She has to make sure he's really there with her.

And, almost as if he could sense that, Deeks opens his eyes and looks at her.

**How do you think Deeks will react to Kensi's presence? What's in the last letter?  
Fear not because all those things will be cleared up as soon as I post the next chapter (which will hopefully be soon).**

**Reviews are love.  
Sarah**


	5. Chapter 5

_Kensi can barely stand the thought of anyone torturing him. That's why she puts the letters aside and grabs his hand, needing to feel him. The need to make sure he's okay is more than what she can take. She has to make sure he's really there with her._

_And, almost as if he could sense that, Deeks opens his eyes and looks at her._

She can barely believe she's staring into his bright blue orbs for the first time in over 40 days. And she can't really stop the tear that runs down her cheek when she does. However, much to her surprise, Deeks pulls his hand away from hers and looks away from her eyes.

It breaks her heart to see him like this, to see him withdrawing from her. She wants him, needs him, to understand how much he means to her. But before she can start speaking, his voice, slightly shaky and hoarse, breaks the silence.

"Why are you here?"

Kensi takes a deep breath and tries to hold his hand but he doesn't allow her to touch him. Closing her yes to try to keep her tears at bay, she starts. "You're my partner. You needed me here and I wanted to be here for you. You scared me, Deeks."

He turns his head to face her and the hurt and anger she sees in his eyes nearly make her leave. This is more than what she can take. She never saw him like this. "I needed you while I was undercover. I needed my partner while I was working out there. But instead of being there for me, you sent Callen in your place. That pretty much tells me how much you really care, Kensi."

And, just like that, her sadness turns into anger and she snaps at him. "How can you even think that? How can believe, for a second, that I don't care? I care about you, Deeks, we've been partners for over two years. I thought you knew that by now. But instead of thinking that I might have had a good reason to do what I did, you chose to write these stupid letters to make me feel awful with myself and my decision."

He's never been one to answer well to her anger and this situation isn't any different. "You read my letters? You had no right to do that. I'm not dead, or am I? Those were private and not meant for you to read unless I was actually dead. Give them to me."

Kensi throws the papers at him and grabs her bag. "You can have them. I don't care anymore."

She storms out of the room, ignoring Callen and Sam's looks when she walks by them in the hallway. She only stops walking when she's by her car and that's when she notices Callen is right by her side. "Do you want to talk about whatever happened inside that room?"

Kensi shakes her head but he insists. "Kensi, you've barely slept. You're tired and you're not thinking clearly at the moment. Whatever happened, whatever you said, I'm sure he'll understand and forgive you for it. If you want to go home, I'll drive you. You're in no conditions to do that yourself."

She turns to him with unshed tears in her eyes. "Callen, I should have gone to those meetings. He's my partner. I should have been the one to support him through this whole thing, not you."

Callen sighs and takes the keys from her hand, just to make sure she's not going to try to leave in the middle of the conversation. "Kensi, you did the right thing. Going there wouldn't do you or him any good. Is that what this is about?"

She nods. "That and because of the stupid letters he didn't want me to read unless he was dead. He accused me of not caring about him, Callen."

Callen gathers her in his arms, knowing there's not much he can do about this situation. After a few minutes, Kensi pulls back and looks at him. "I want to go home, now. Do you mind driving me there? You're right about me not being in conditions to drive."

Callen nods and starts opening the doors but, just before they get in the car, a nurse comes running to them and seems relieved to find them in the parking lot. Kensi turns pale and holds onto Callen, afraid of what the nurse might tell her.

"Miss Blye, I need you to come with me right now."

Kensi takes a deep breath and manages to make her voice work, even if slightly shaky. "Is everything okay?"

The nurse seems to realize what's going through Kensi's mind and smiles. "He's okay but he asked me to come and get you. It seemed important and kind of urgent. I'm sorry I scared you."

Kensi nods and the nurse walks back to the hospital. Callen locks the car and starts guiding her back inside. But, just before they reach his door, Kensi stops moving and seems to freeze in the middle of the hallway. "I don't want to go in, Callen. Tell him I can't go in."

Callen shakes his head. "Kensi, he wants to see you. Come on, you can do this."

She shakes her head and sits on the floor, right by his door, with her back against the wall. "I can't. It hurts too much. Please, tell him I went home. Tell him the nurse didn't catch me in time. Tell him I was already gone when she went outside to find me."

Callen nods, knowing there's nothing else he can do or say to make her change her mind. So he goes inside and allows her to just sit there. Once inside, he lies to Deeks and Sam. He tells them exactly what Kensi asked him to say. Sure, he feels guilty when he sees the sadness in Deeks eyes but he can't tell him the truth.

And, as it turns out, he doesn't have to. Deeks asks Sam to hand him a pen and writes something on the back of one of the letters, the last one. Then, he hands it to Callen. "I know she's out there and I know she doesn't want to see me. Please, just hand her this letter. Make sure she reads it."

Callen nods, knowing there's no point in denying anything, and leaves the room. He hands Kensi the letter and sits on a chair, on the other side of the hallway, just to make sure she reads it. She just sits there, the letter in her hands, but without reading it, for close to 15 minutes. Just when he's about to give up, go back inside and tell Deeks she didn't read it, she looks down and starts reading it.

**Here's the chapter. I have two more chapters planned for this story so we're nearing the end of it.**

**Reviews are almost as good as the drugs they gave me for the pain so keep them coming.  
Love,  
Sarah**


	6. Chapter 6

40 Days – Chapter 6

**Day 40  
**_Kensi, I have a very bad feeling today. I don't know why but I just know something's about to happen. That's why I feel like I have to tell you this today. I have a list of things I need to tell you and now seems like the right time to do it.  
1. I have some Twinkies hidden on my desk, at work, for you. Eat them before they get ruined.  
2. I always know when you're PMSing because you don't hide the pain as well as you think you do.  
3. Callen promised me he would watch over you while I was away.  
4. Hetty made me sign the papers to become an agent before I came so this will be my last LAPD assignment ever.  
5. You're the first person I ever saw a future with. That's funny, or at least it sounds funny to me. Every single time I think about my future, you're in it.  
6. You, Callen, Eric, Nell, Sam and Hetty are the family I never had, the family I didn't think I deserved.  
7. Tell your mother I would be glad to become her son-in-law, someday, like she wanted me to.  
8. Never forget me, Kensi, because I'm sure I will never erase you from my heart._

Kensi turns the piece of paper and starts reading what's on the other side of it, with tears in her eyes. There's not a lot of text there but the words he wrote are more than enough.

_I love you, Kensi.  
Please, don't push me away._

Kensi gets up and wipes away her tears. Then, before Callen can even think about saying anything, she opens the door and enters Deeks room. Sam walks away as soon as he sees her and closes the door behind him.

Deeks opens his mouth to speak but Kensi stops him before he has the chance to say a word. "I'm here but we're going to do this my way. I have a few things to tell you and I need you to listen to them without saying a word. You can't cut me off or I won't be able to say everything I need to. Are we clear?"

Deeks nods and she sits down on the chair right next to the bed. "When you went undercover, Hetty told me it was a dangerous assignment. She told me we had your back, even though I was a LAPD thing, and that somewhat made it better. But I was still scared because Hetty is not one to say something like that. Then, she showed me the papers you signed to become an agent."

She sighs and plays with the letter in her hands, unable to look him in the eye at this point and not knowing how much he wants her to meet his eyes. "I missed you a lot more than what I was prepared for, and I was prepared to miss you a lot. I was excited for that meeting, as excited as you. I needed to see you. But Hetty pulled me aside the day before and told me something that made me re-think the whole thing."

She finally meets his eyes and the pain he sees in hers is almost enough to make him jump out of the bed and gather her in his arms. But he can't and she continues. "She told me that seeing you would only hurt more. She pointed out that seeing you would only make me miss you more. And I told her she was right. That's why I asked Callen to take my place."

Kensi grabs his hand and he squeezes it, thankful for the contact with the person he missed so much. "Deeks, I wanted to see you. But I knew how much it would hurt me to see you for a few minutes and then walk away from you again. I knew how much it would hurt to leave you there and come back without you. I couldn't do it. And I'm sorry for being so selfish but I thought I was doing what was best for both of us. I'm sorry I hurt you, Deeks. I'm sorry I made you think, even for a second, that I didn't love you as much as you love me."

His breath catches in his throat at that and he's not ashamed when two tears escape his eyes and run down his cheeks. His voice is slightly shaky but he manages to speak. "You love me?"

Kensi gets up in a flash and connects their lips before he can react. She kisses him with every bit of love she feels for him, hoping that will be enough to show him how she feels, for now. Deeks kisses her back, unable to put into words just how much he loves her.

And, when Callen and Sam finally break and decide to walk inside the room one hour later, they're not surprised to find Deeks fast asleep and Kensi cuddled to his side, his arm wrapped around her and lipstick on his lips. Thankfully, they managed to have enough sense to keep their clothes on. That would have been awkward, to say the least.

Four hours later, Hetty sneaks inside the room and smiles at the two agents, still fast asleep. She leaves something on the chair and walks out of the room, giving the nurse instructions to let them both sleep.

Kensi wakes up first and notices something resting on top of the chair. She's about to get up to see what it is when his voice stops her. "Please, don't get up. I like sleeping with you in my arms."

So, getting over her curiosity, Kensi smiles and rests her head back on his chest without a word.

**I know what you're probably thinking. I'm on bed rest and I take forever to update. But I have a good excuse for that. My adorable boyfriend bought me the DVDs of my favorite shows of all time and brought them here. I've been watching them until my eyes hurt (literally!). Then, when my eyes hurt, I call my twin to keep me company and he doesn't mind doing that. But here's your chapter.**

**There's only one more chapter to go and it will be a short one.**

**I'm not going to promise previews because the pills I'm taking make me sleepy so I won't have the energy to answer your reviews. However, I still appreciate them a lot.**

**Love,  
Sarah**


	7. Chapter 7

**3 years later**

Kensi wakes up with the sound she's grown used to by now and gets up, noticing that it's only four in the morning. She walks out of the bedroom as silently as she can, not sure why because they both know Deeks will be awake in just a few seconds. She walks inside the room next to theirs and immediately gathers the fussing baby in her arms, trying to comfort her. Little Maura Deeks is one of the calmest babies she knows and started sleeping through the night only a month after she was born. However, now that she's 7 months old, her teeth are starting to come up and that hurts her and makes her grumpy.

Kensi does her best to calm her down but, less than a minute later, two strong arms take her away from her. Deeks pulls his daughter to his naked chest and kisses her little face over and over again until she stops crying. Yep, at 7 months old, Maura is already Daddy's girl. Kensi leaves them alone in the nursery and goes to the kitchen to grab the teething ring, the only thing that seems to help Maura when she's like this.

Deeks sits on the rocking chair, playing with her fingers and trying to ease her discomfort. Her blue eyes are red now because of her tears and it breaks his heart to see his little girl like this. Kensi walks in and hands him the teething ring. It takes her a few minutes but Maura finally calms down and falls asleep on her father's arms.

Deeks looks at Kensi and she knows what's going to happen next. So she just smiles at him and nods before walking to their bedroom. Deeks follows her, the baby asleep and the teething ring in her small hands. He puts the baby on their bed, between the two of them. Kensi smiles at him and mouths the word 'softie' but he just grins because it's the truth. This baby turned him even softer.

Deeks turns around to turn off the light and his eyes land on the chair next to the door, the one with his NCIS badge. It brings back memories. Three years ago, he was waking up in the hospital and seeing that same badge on top of a chair. And, on his bedside table, there's a small piece of paper framed.

The words he wrote so long ago are there for him to see, every single night. The words that made Kensi finally admit her feelings for him…_I love you, Kensi. Please, don't push me away._

Now, looking at his two girls, his family, he's glad she didn't push him away. And, with that thought, he falls asleep with his finger intertwined with Kensi's and their hands resting on Maura's belly.

_The End_

**AN: I'm an awful person and I have no excuse to keep you waiting for this long. I'm finally out of bed-rest which is not as good as I thought it would be. Now, instead of being in bed all day, I have to walk around with crutches everywhere. I can't bend my knee so I will have to start physical therapy next week, something I'm not looking forward to. My doctor says that my muscles are lazy now and that's why I need it.**

**Reviews are important, even in the last chapter. Let me knows if you liked the ending. It seems a bit cheesy to me but this is what I came up with. If you have any questions, I'll be glad to answer them.**

**Love,  
Sarah**


End file.
